Massage candles seemed like the perfect idea. We were planning a romantic getaway to a log cabin tucked away in the Smoky Mountains. No kids, no in-laws, no clients, no interruptions- Just him and me and a suitcase full of swimsuits, lacey undergarments, and whipped cream. That’s when I decided trying something a little different might be just what the marriage doctor ordered.

Innocent Beginnings

The UPS man brought the candles the day before we were scheduled to leave. I smiled as he pulled into the drive, and he winked at me before leaving as if he somehow knew what that brown paper package contained. I tucked the box into a bag of snack foods and hefted it into the back seat of the truck. That little surprise was going to make the whole trip worthwhile.

During the 9 hour drive, I hinted several times that I had a special surprise planned. It drove my husband nuts (well, that and the short skirt and garters I wore for the drive, but wouldn’t let him touch). Yessiree, forget second honeymoons, this was going to be the romantic trip of a lifetime.

The Arrival

We arrived at the cabin after an endless series of 90-degree turns winding up to the tippy top of an impossibly steep mountain. I swear if we had dropped off the edge of the road, we would have plummeted for an hour before hitting the bottom. This was as secluded as it gets.

We unpacked the truck, and immediately hit the hot tub. Things got a little steamy in that bubbly water, and I decided to break out the massage candle. After all, driving for 9 hours can really put a crimp in your back. I instructed my husband to stay put, I would be back with a surprise. After a short detour to turn on some music, I slipped back into the bubbling water with the massage candle and he grinned like a tiger in a cage full of canaries.

He read the back of the massage candle and his smile grew wider. He gave the contents a smell and nodded an approval. “Not too girly,” he commented. “This could be fun.” He handed the massage candle back to me. That’s when it hit me. Candles need flame. I hadn’t packed any matches! I groaned in frustration, fought the urge to do the girl thing and cry over spilled milk (or forgotten matches) and climbed from the inviting warm bubbles and the strong hands of my husband one more time.

I searched the fireplace, the kitchen drawers, and under the sink- but no matches appeared. I stood in the kitchen trying to will my brainpower and determination into a solution.

The microwave sat inches from my hands.

I could heat the candle in the microwave! It wouldn’t have that lovely candle glow, but I could at least use the “massage properties.”

Feeling like a genius, I popped in the massage candle and shut the door. Set the timer for 10 seconds: nothing…15 seconds: nothing…20 seconds: nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing! The darn thing was still solid!

Knowing my hubby would soon fall asleep in that warm water if left unattended much longer, I hit one minute and carried the liquefied candle out to the deck once more. He smiled as I approached and stood to help me back in the hot tub. I shoved him back with one hand and poured the massage oil down his chest with the other. And he screamed like a little girl. There were arms and water flying everywhere as he leapt from the tub and grabbed a towel, dabbing at his burning nipples.

I would like to say I apologized and felt really, really bad, but instead, I laughed. Rather, I snorted and rolled around in the hot tub I laughed so hard. I’d never heard a grown man scream like a little girl before and it was freaking hilarious.

He glared at me for a second, and then started laughing too. All was forgiven by morning, but seriously, those things should come with a warning: use only under adult supervision.

Seriously, if you’re going to use a massage candle, try out these tips:

1. Blow out the flame before using the good stuff. This may seem like a no-brainer, but in the heat of the moment it’s easy to forget.
2. Use the melted oil as a massage oil, and scrape some solid “wax” on those dry areas like elbows, cuticles, and feet. The wax will melt with the heat and friction from your hands.
3. Be careful with any massage candles that contain eucalyptus. This minty additive may smell good but it can irritate the skin, especially in sensitive areas. A slight tingle is normal, but anything else could be the beginning of trouble.
4. Before the candle cools completely, smash the wax into the center of the candle so it will melt evenly the next time you light it.
5. Massage candles are a great way to enjoy an intimate evening. Just be sure to read the label and test out the temperature before pouring it on sensitive body parts- unless you like hearing your man scream like a little girl.

Advertisements for all-natural cosmetics drive me nuts. All the minerals and plant extracts in the world aren’t enough to make me look good during allergy season or after a sleepless night of mothering, studying, writing, or surfing the Net. The only things that help are whipped cream or chocolate. These two items make me feel like a hundred bucks on any given day and are much more therapeutic than seaweed, tree bark, and castor oil. If you think I’m crazy, read on. I have three very specific valid arguments for why they should be considered natural cosmetics.

Reason One: The Smell of Natural Cosmetics is a Huge Turn-Off

If I’m going to slather kitchen ingredients all over my face, I want to select foods that I can eat. Forget the cucumber slices and oatmeal, I want whipped cream and strawberries. I don’t care if my natural cosmetics have olive oils or extract of kelp and soybeans. If I can’t eat it out of the jar, I’m not interested. I don’t want to smell like a frigging weed garden; I want to smell sweet and delectable, like a coconut cream pie or brownies.

When making natural cosmetics, why not throw in a little cocoa powder and get a nice “natural glow” while everyone wanders around asking, “Who had brownies for lunch and are there any left?” Unless your spouse/significant other is a health nut, it’s not likely the scent of wheat grass and kelp turns them on. But if my skin smells like dessert, you can forget about that ballgame, we’re staying home.

Reason Two: When Mama’s Happy, Everyone’s Happy

(…and Natural Cosmetics Don’t go Well with Beer)

I look good when I’m happy. Eating chocolate and whipped cream make me happy therefore they make me beautiful. In fact, chocolate has a profound effect on my body. People keep asking me if I’m expecting. I assume it’s from that lovely rosy glow I get after eating a dozen chocolate chip cookies, but my husband says it might have more to do with the size of my left butt check that is dedicated to all those chocolate chippers. (Jerk)

I’ve tried eating traditional natural cosmetics; they don’t have the same effect. They just make me want to wash them down with a pile of brownies and a beer.

Reason Three: Because I Said So

Chocolate and whipped cream should be considered natural cosmetics just because I need a legitimate excuse to eat them more often. So the next time my husband asks me if I’m eating ice cream and cookies again, I can look him in the eye and tell him no, I’m engaging in a time-honored beauty ritual involving natural cosmetics that he knows nothing about because he’s a man. After all, who ever heard of anyone testing the carcinogenic effect of whipped cream and chocolate by rubbing them all over rats and fuzzy baby bunnies? That qualifies as natural in any book.

Being Practical about Natural Cosmetics

So, if you’re going to buy natural cosmetics, don’t just read the label. I know, everyone tells you to read the label, but I’m telling you to read the label then break the safety seal and smell the stuff. (Just don’t get caught. I once was chased by a WalMart greeter for a hour before escaping after I opened all the chocolate cake containers for a whiff.) If it smells like last week’s garbage or a salad, pass.

In fact, it’s completely acceptable to buy natural cosmetics simply for the way they smell. If your face smells pleasant, you’ll be happier. Happy people are more attractive and get fewer wrinkles.

If you are going to go with natural cosmetics, switch your skin care as well. Mixing chemicals with natural cosmetics doesn’t make sense. It’s like waxing your car then rubbing it down with paint thinner, or drinking a fifth of vodka then chasing it with a pot of coffee; completely counter-productive.

Remember, even natural cosmetics can cause skin reactions. Always test a new product out before coating your entire face. If a reaction develops, wash it off immediately with generous amounts of water. Try using cold water to avoid increasing the blood flow to the area and worsening your reaction. If the reaction is still visible in an hour, or is getting worse, try some Benadryl cream (antihistamine) or swallow a 15 mg tablet and plan to sleep off your afternoon.

Tear off the top of the box (or the UPC code and name) any time you try out a new skin care product or natural cosmetic. Stash the snippets in your beauty case so you have the information handy the next time you need to purchase a refill of a product you liked.

Natural cosmetics are a great investment. Personally, I’m still pulling for the whipped cream and chocolate, but until they hit the market, I’m enjoying my own plethora of natural cosmetic very much.